Gil Elvgren, 1965.
© BROWN & BIGELOW INC, ST. PAUL, MINNESOTA

I’m not at all afraid of flying - are you? I hope not, because then you won’t appreciate this post!

Even I might be a bit nervous if overhearing this over the Airline P.A. System:

1. Ocean crossing flight: This is your Captain speaking, I just wanted to take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as floatation devices.

2. Hey folks, we’re going to play a little game of geography trivia. If you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive an extra pack of peanuts.

3. Our loss of altitude allows a unique close up perspective of the local terrain. I assure you that it’s all part of our airline’s new commitment to make your a flight a sight seeing extravaganza.

4. Goose! Bogey at 2 o’clock….one on our tail!!!! Eject!!!! Eject!!!!!!!

5. Ummmmmm….Sorry……(silence)

6. (As the plane turns around right after takeoff)…. uhhhhh….we have to go back ….we ..we ….uhhhhhh…. forgot something…..

7. I’m sure everyone noticed the loss of an engine, however the reduction in weight and drag will mean we’ll be flying much more efficiently now.

8. Fasten your seat belt. (same tone your friend with the suicidal driving tendencies uses when you get in the car).

9. It would be a good idea if right now everyone closed their shades and watched the in-flight movie.

10. This is your Captain speaking….these stupid planes are a lot different than the ships I’m used to.. so you’ll have to give me some leeway…

…and NO, the last one wasn’t ME…. *giggles*

So, when are our next plane scheduled to take off…?

Sometimes even airline flight attendants tries to be funny, this is claimed to be some real examples:

1. “As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position.”

2. “There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 6 ways out of this airplane…”

3. “Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments.”

4. “We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane.”

5. “Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately.”

6. Pilot - “Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land… it’s a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern.”

7. As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head attendant announced on the intercom, “This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft.”

8. “Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children.”

9. “Last one off the plane must clean it.”

10. And from the pilot during his welcome message: “We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry…Unfortunately none of them are on this flight…!”

11. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a “Thanks for flying XYZ airline.” He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, “Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?” “Why no Ma’am,” said the pilot, “What is it?” The little old lady said, “Did we land or were we shot down?”

12. Overheard on an XYZ Airlines flight on a windy and bumpy day. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to (city name). Please remain in your seats with your seatbelt fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate!”

13. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than XYZ Airlines.”

Which ones are your favorite of those? Mine is #7-9!

Want to participate in Thursday Thirteen?

Gil Elvgren, 1955.
© BROWN & BIGELOW INC, ST. PAUL, MINNESOTA

For some of us Murphy’s Law seem to be a daily phenomenon, others actually have some luck. I’m not mentioning any names here, since we all know who we are…. *giggles*

Do you recognize this:

• No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight.
• If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate within the terminal.
• If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed.
• Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.
• If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon as you touch pen to paper.
• If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just look for the two largest passengers.
• Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the lavatory.
• The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you.
• The best-looking man/woman on your flight is never seated next to you.
• The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard.
• If you’re going to have a stomach flu it will start when the airplane takes off.
• There are always a queue to the lavatory when you’re in the worst need of it.
• The baggage claim will stop working if you’re in a hurry.